


there is an indentation, in the shape of you

by BetterInTheLongRun



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 22:51:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17631254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetterInTheLongRun/pseuds/BetterInTheLongRun
Summary: Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me





	there is an indentation, in the shape of you

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to make this timeline make sense somehow. Ask me about the detailed notes I took on Canadian geography and the archive diving I had to do to make the whole "Lake Louise" trip make sense!
> 
> I'm posting this in the hopes that one of you knows what "vietnam" is and will tell me so I can incorporate it into future chapters. Not a joke!!! No one will tell me and it's eating away at me.

**

He’s never been with someone so….forthright before.

 

Right off the bat, Jackie sends him texts like “You should come visit me.” Or “I wish you were eating me out right now.”

 

For 21 years, it’s been “I just feel like what’s best for us both is…” and abruptly skating back to the boards to tell their coaches that Scott grabbed her leg wrong on the entrance to that lift- something she maybe could’ve mentioned while dangling precariously off his shoulder.

 

Not that this is unique to Tessa. Pretty much every girl he’s dated has had a tendency to hem and haw and make him guess whatever she’s thinking.

 

“It’s so cool that you’re going there for work. I’m gonna miss you so much though. Will you be…alone? Like do you get your own hotel rooms? Or will you be sharing with like, Patrick? Haha just in case I wanna call you I mean J”

 

But now it’s “I need you to pick this up from the store” and “Facetime me tonight at 10 my time- I’ll be wearing the red thing you liked” or “I have to work that week but let’s go somewhere together the week after”.

 

It’s ironic because this is something he and Tessa have always had in common- they like to be told what to do.

 

**

 

“Hey so I managed to shift my work schedule so that I’ll have the 12th-17th off. Does that still work to come see the show?”

 

He’s a little blindsided by the text, (even though he shouldn’t be). Yes, he’d talked about how proud he was of the tour and how she should come see it and yes, he’d also said that IF she were going to come, she should do so when he would have a few days off to spend with her. But…these were just things you said to the girl you were texting who lived thousands of miles away in another country and who seemed to have a full time job. He hadn’t really thought about the reality of her taking him up on it.

 

“Amazing! I’ll make sure you have a ticket to the show. Where should we go?”

 

**

 

He doesn’t feel panicked, because he has work to do. He’s co-producing a tour. A tour that involves a lot of dancing done by some uh, less than stellar dancers.

 

He’s not worried about it, because this is going to be a chance for him to celebrate the successful launch of his very own tour, and who worries over a celebration?

 

 

He doesn’t tell Tessa because…why should he? They’re not dating, so she doesn’t get a say in who he sees and when.

 

**

 

He tells Jackie to meet him at the hotel on Friday, because it’s not like he has a car to pick her up in and he can’t very well roll up to the airport in a tour bus.

 

Tessa texts him in the morning to remind him of their TV interview that day which, yes, he had forgotten about.

 

She shows up at his door after he doesn’t respond to her text, knowing what his lack of response means.

 

“Where’s your merch?”

 

“What?”

 

“I thought we were gonna do all our promo in our tour merch…?”

 

“Oh, yeah, I’m running out of here after this and this is just a quick one-off, right? It’ll be fine.”

 

“What? Where are you going? The guys are all hanging out in Chiddy’s room- no one said anything about going anywhere.”

 

“I’m meeting someone.”

 

“You don’t know anyone who lives here.”

 

“You don’t know everyone I know.” He tries to smirk playfully, but fails.

 

“Scott?”

 

“Tess, don’t worry about it.”

 

Tessa pauses and he can see the wheels spinning, Therapy Activation Mode kicking in. (Seems like it’s been kicking in a lot lately.)

 

“It’s alarming to me that you’re being so evasive right now. Can you please tell me who you’re meeting in Edmonton?

 

Scott inhales, knowing the best way out is through.

 

“Jackie Mascarin.”

 

“Who is Ja-“ Her eyebrows fly up. “Jackie, your first skating partner, Jackie?”

 

“She wasn’t really- I mean, I’d been skating there since I was born practically, I skated with like every girl who took lessons.”

 

“Scott.”

 

“Yes, my first skating partner.”

 

A wounded, vulnerable look flashes across her face, rattling him. But, ever the professional, her Interview Mask swallows it in an instant. She walks quickly over to his bag on the suitcase stand in the corner.

 

“Do you want to use your laptop or mine? Mine’s been kind of glitchy so I think yours is best. Can you set it up? I’ll move the coffee table.”

 

“Tess-“

 

“We don’t really have that much time, and we might have connectivity issues so we should hurry.”

 

“Ok.”

 

**

 

Tessa makes herself scarce as soon as the worst interview of his life ends, and maybe it’s cowardly, but he’s grateful. Tessa making the decision not to reintroduce herself to Jackie right now saves him from having to make the decision himself.

 

But, they can’t put it off forever. Not if it’s really irrelevant, the fact that Jackie is the only other person he’s ever competed with. Jackie’s just an old friend from his childhood. A family friend.

 

He’s not going to look too closely at the vindictive little thrill he gets when he thinks of finally seeing on Tessa’s face what he’s felt ripping him apart for months. Because he loves Tessa, and he would never want to hurt her. (The way that she hurt him.)

 

After the show that night, Tessa makes it easy for him. She waltzes right up to Jackie and tells her Scott’s been talking about her all the time and isn’t this just SO FUNNY that they’re all standing here right now? Haha! Life’s just so crazy! But she really does have to go get ready for the meet and greet. Can’t wait to spend more time together ‘real soon’ though!

 

Scott wants to die.

 

He kind of sort of tries to set up an after-show drinks thing, to show Jackie that Nothing’s Wrong, but he knows Tessa won’t go and she doesn’t. A few other cast members come, but not enough that Tessa’s absence is egregious.

 

He doesn’t have to worry about avoiding Tessa the next day, because he and Jackie have to drive the rental car to Dawson Creek while everyone else takes the bus. And then after the show, they have to go to bed so they can get up and drive to Lake Louise early the next morning.

 

It’s easy to show everyone that Nothing’s Wrong, because nothing is wrong.

 

**

 

He and Tessa don’t really talk much, after he gets back. Well, they talk constantly, they’re in the middle of five back to back shows. But considering they live on a bus together, the distance between them is palpable.

 

For the life of him, he can’t remember how he’s told Tessa about his past girlfriends. It feels like a million lifetimes ago. (He knows he’s never really told her about any of them. He just lets her find out when she finds out).

 

But, he’s not going to dwell on it. How absurd, that this would be the thing that breaks them, when this tour is going so well and an avenue for their future together is revealing itself to them.

 

He’s a performer. Their whole career, he’s been able to put aside whatever is actually going on in his life and hone in on his love for Tessa. He can shut out everything else. He loves her and she loves him and on the ice they can pretend like that’s all that matters.

 

It’s gotten them through worse before.

 

**

 

The thing is, it’s never taken them this long, before.

 

Granted, they’ve never had to come back from a conversation that ended with “I don’t want to be with you” before. But then, you might argue that them each dating other people was a pretty big obstacle too.

 

They came close when they went back to Montreal for rehearsals. It had been so easy to fall back under that Olympic spell that had come crashing down around them over the summer. Same long days, same adrenaline high, same commute home. Of course they’d ended up alone at her apartment after a long day practicing how many counts she should grind on his leg for. He was leaning over her, lips inches from hers when she placed a hand on his chest and said those 2 fatal words.

 

“We shouldn’t.”

 

He sighed and backed up, running his hands through his (too-short) hair.

 

“Tess-it doesn’t have to mean anything serious.”

 

“I know, I just think we should prove to ourselves that we can be professional about this.”

 

He’s not sure he’s ever been quite so angry with her before. The nerve of her, still trying to force him into whatever box she decided he belonged in at any given moment. He wanted to say a million stupid things in response- something like ‘if we can fuck our way through 5 Olympic medals, I’m pretty sure we can handle it’ or ‘you mean you don’t want me to fool myself into thinking you’re in love with me again.’

 

But instead he scrapes together whatever leftover wisdom he can from those hundreds of therapy hours and removes himself from the situation.

 

So, he’d gotten very into his phone.

 

Jackie was a very adept texter. Tessa had always been paranoid about “hackers” or “what if I have to give my laptop to the sound guy and he connects to the WiFi and then my old iMessages randomly start downloading?”

 

Scott had laughed in her face at that one, offering to courier over his nudes in a lock box and then mail her the key. She hadn’t let him touch her for a full week afterwards.

 

Jackie clearly knows what it takes to make the whole long distance thing work. Which is….helpful.

 

(Perhaps if Scott was a little more social media savvy, he might’ve noticed that Jackie tends to be at her most graphic a couple hours after Tessa posts some new picture of them “working”. But, he’s not. And also, what does he care? It’s very easy not to fight with the girl you’re dating about flirting with your coworker when they’re not in the same place. This, he knows.)

 

But tours are like, his and Tessa’s thing. And he’s pretty sure when they’d figured out the bus logistics back in the spring, they hadn’t been picturing the monastery it’s become. At least, he hadn’t.

 

Obviously it’s a little more complicated than that. They’re not actually alone on the bus and even if they were, chaperoned sex is weird.

 

So it doesn’t happen until they’re back in London. Because Scott “needed to pick up some things he’d left at her place”.

 

If Montreal had briefly revived their domestic glow, it had nothing on her house in London. As soon as they enter her house, it’s like they’re transported back in time. They don’t talk, and they don’t really look at each other, but they both feel it.

 

Maybe they both knew they’d end up here tonight, so they’re afraid to say anything to jinx it.

 

He has their bags, so he continues up to her room. If she calls him on it, he’ll just tell her he’s collecting this “stuff” he needs to pick up.

 

But she follows him and once he’s set his stuff down, she reaches for his hand and brings it to her mouth. She presses her lips into his palm softly, and looks into his eyes. He feels like he hasn’t really looked at her in months.

 

He brings his other hand up so that he’s now cradling her face in both hands, and kisses her with the desperation of a man who hasn’t taken a breath in 4 months.

 

Immediately, they’re tearing at each other’s clothes.

 

He’s halfway inside her before either of them says anything intelligible.

 

“So you’re not mad at me anymore?”

 

Tessa tenses up immediately and Scott’s convinced she’s about to kick him out. But she shakes it off and playfully shoves him backwards. She climbs on top of him and bites at his lip.

 

“I am, I’m just channeling it in new ways.”

 

And just like that, the romance is gone. It’s rough and messy and they both come quickly. A soon as he pulls out, she’s on her way to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. He stares at the ceiling while she showers and it makes him a little bit sick to his stomach, how much it feels like they’ve travelled back in time to 3 or 4 years ago.

 

Maybe they just needed to get one make-up bang out of their systems. Tomorrow, he thinks. We’ll be back to normal tomorrow.

 

But when he comes back the next night, she tells him her mom is coming over early in the morning so he probably shouldn’t stay over.

 

This time he gets to fuck her again in the shower afterwards as a consolation prize.

 

On Sunday, he calls and invites Jackie to Nashville.

 

**

 

He’s tired of being tested.

 

“Tessa just needs time. She needs you to prove you’ve grown.”

 

They competed together for 20 years (give or take). They’re retired (basically). He’s done proving his worth, fighting for titles that are rightfully his.

 

Tessa knows him as well as anyone can know another person. If she’s not convinced by now, he’s done convincing her.

 

**

 

He’s at least aware enough to know that it’s hypocritical of him to be mad at Tessa for refusing to define whatever they were to each other, just to turn around and do the same to Jackie.

 

He likes relationships. He likes certainty, dependability.

 

Their tour is going to end and then he’ll…what? There’s nothing waiting for him but a long stretch of days lacking any semblance of structure. He wants somebody to expect him to be somewhere, to hold him accountable (preferably not his mommy).

 

Jackie’s made it clear she wants commitment. Tessa’s committed to not committing to him.

 

Math always was his best subject.

 

**

 

“Y’know, when we first saw each other this summer, I lied.”

 

Scott startles at this. They’re lying in bed and he was pretty much asleep, but the sinking feeling in his gut woke him right up.

 

“What?”

 

“Ever since the Olympics, I’ve been making this story of me dumping you as a partner more and more dramatic whenever I tell it- but I honestly don’t even remember it. I mean, I kind of remember that one competition? Mostly because my mom and I had to pick out a dress and everything. But I don’t know, with you being this big skating star I’ve lost track of what’s even a real memory and what I made up.”

 

Scott stiffens as she speaks.

 

“Haha. I mean I already told you I barely remember it either. That’s what happens when your whole life is spent in skating rinks.”

 

“Yeah but you’re always saying how this thing with Tessa is so special- you’d think you’d remember your one and only other partner.”

 

Abort. Abort. Abort.

 

“Heh…am I really ‘always saying that’? I feel like we don’t talk much about my work?”

 

Jackie rolls her eyes at “my work”.

 

“In interviews and stuff.”

 

“You’ve been watching our interviews? I thought Cara warned you away from that internet stuff.”

 

“What are you, a hundred years old? It’s 2018- nobody dates anyone without googling them. You just happen to have a lot more to google than most people.”

 

Scott takes a deep breath.

 

“Ok maybe I should’ve been more clear when we started this- that’s on me. I would really appreciate it if you would….not google me.”

 

“You don’t want me to keep up with your career?”

 

“I want you to come and watch me skate. That’s my work. I don’t want you to read crazy theories about how Tessa and I have 6 kids stashed away in a basement somewhere.”

 

“It’s only 3 kids.”

 

Scott stares at her in horror. After a beat, she bursts out laughing.

 

“Calm down, I’m not reading the fan fiction about you!”

 

Scott doesn’t so much as crack a smile.

 

“I’m serious. There are parts of it that seem ridiculous and funny- but it can get pretty creepy pretty fast, and it’s ended up hurting pretty much everyone I’ve ever cared about.”

 

“You mean fan fiction has hurt your exes?” She can’t keep the skepticism out of her voice. “I feel like you’re just saying this so I don’t look at all the actually romantic shit you and Tessa do in public and get mad about it.”

 

Scott can feel his temper flare up, but he takes a breath and shoves it back down.

 

“I’m not hiding anything from you. You know about what Tess and I do for work, and that sometimes it’s bled outside of work. If you want to get sucked into all that stuff on the internet, it’s your choice, but it’s probably just going to upset you. It bothered me, so I pretty much stopped looking. Tessa gets caught up in it and tries to pretend like it doesn’t bother her, but it really does. She can barely go a day without bringing up some new crazy thing she read about us online. It’ll start to wear on you just hearing about it from her.”

 

“I wouldn’t know, since she and I have barely seen each other.”

 

“You’ll see plenty of each other, trust me.” And with that, Scott kisses her quickly on the cheek and rolls over. “Goodnight, babe.”

 

Jackie’s not sure if that’s a promise or a threat.

 

**

 

Jackie is fun. She likes to go out, drink and talk to people. She says what she means. She’s athletic, outdoorsy, adventurous. She knows his family, she gets his schedule. They have history.

 

It’s not insignificant that she is also currently untangling herself from a years-long serious relationship.

 

For so many reasons, she’s exactly right for him.

 

Tessa doesn’t want to be with him, so people were never going to get the happy ending they wanted. Everyone else is just gonna have to get over it.

 

Maybe he’ll give them some tips, if he ever gets there himself.

 

**

 

“So they’re just always like this? What was all that about how it’s all a performance and they’re just playing two characters who love each other blah blah blah?”

 

Cara looks up at her friend and smirks.

 

“Sometimes they get a little hungover on the pretending. It’ll pass.”

 

“Or maybe he just needs some reminding about what it actually means to have a girlfriend.

 

Cara’s not smiling anymore. “Look…I don’t want this to come out the wrong way, but I’ve seen this play out before and you’re my friend so I feel like I should try to be upfront here. The Tessa thing… you have to just ignore it as best you can. The snide remarks, anything that looks like jealousy- any sort of ultimatum is gonna work out poorly for everyone involved.”

 

Jackie opens her mouth to object but Cara cuts her off.

 

“And I know! I know it’s unfair, ok? You should be able to be honest with the person you’re dating about something that upsets you. I’ve just…never seen Scott choose anyone over Tessa, not in the long run. So just…proceed with caution, is all I’m saying.”

 

“Well we’re not going to be in a thruple. He’s gotta choose someone over her, sometime.”


End file.
